This post is going to completely make this blog a blog about me and not a blog about health. But I guess it actually has been that for a long time already.
I don’t even know if I should post it here, but I feel that I want to. So here we go :P
I can’t believe that I thought I have to think about where should I spend my summer, if I have the whole summer off. As in - I have 4 moths to do 3 months of internship, but I already found one internship place in Estonia, and was thinking about if I want to do it for the whole summer, if I take another one after that one, which could be done online, would I wanna come back to Denmark to do it; should I find another one somewhere abroad etcetc. I really can’t believe that I ever thought about it. Of course I want to be in Estonia. Daaaah!
So..I figured out what my problem is. :D
I think I took growing up too seriously. I mean – I’ve always more like felt what I feel and who I am, not thought about it.
But then I moved to Denmark, started living far from friends, family, and everything familiar, and went to university to study what? :D – planning.
Of course living on your own requires some planning - going to school and work, training, language school, time, and being financially independent- everything takes planning…And then I started studying nutrition and health – which was a lot at least on the first year, about making dietary and training plans. So of course I feel quite confused and controversial, when I’ve never been much of a planner and more just went with what feels right. Afterall – I have to trust myself enough to know that what I feel is right, is right. Right?
And then I started studying how to think. I had already became (or already becoming) a great planner – time, training, money-spending-earning plans. I even planned what I eat and when – you know, to know when to buy and make food, but also so it’d be nutritionally balanced and all (what is of course a good thing , but..) and my trainings, just to keep up with it all. And having to think and plan so much, friends became like one of “okay where should I fit that into my plan” and oh that’s going to take money and study-time off. Okay, a bit exaggerated, but just to make my point.
And all my friends back home? I didn’t think about them much. Or of course I did, but..I missed them so much and felt so strange without them, that I had put all those feelings aside. To Think about it: that wasn’t a time to be missing friends or home, I had left home, and now it was a time to “grow up”, “start my own life” and you know..develop and change. So I thought that was just the new me. (or maybe I thought who I ought to be..:D). Anyway, it does make perfect sense that then from time to time, I felt so confused. But then again, I thought that comes with “the grown-up life”. And was wondering, how can everyone put up with that..
But yeah, I was already trying to be a great planner, and then I started learning how to think. Or analyze. At school, I mean. Suddenly there was Anthropology, Psychology, Sociology, Communication, Epistemology, Philosophy of Science, Ethics etcetcetc. So on top of thinking a lot and planning my whole life, I now started to analyze WHY am I doing WHAT I, and Why it all is as it is.
And as soon as we start to measure something, we change it, right? So as soon as I started thinking I was having difficulties with all that “growing up” (:D), I suddenly felt I do have difficulties with it. Uuuuuh.
But actually I had just forgotten to feel. I had put my missing friends and family, my likes and dislike-s, the things that are not practical but always make me happy, aside (Ice cream, for example :P – I love it, but it didn’t fit the plan; and reading novels (L)) and I think I completely (!) forgot, what it was I was doing and what for. I was going to school, because it intersted me. I am eating, because I want to and like to, I am running, because I like to move and how it feels, and I learned Danish to know how to speak it, because I thought that would be so cool (and it is ). But I forgot all that. Because I was practical, you know. And they were just the things I ought to manage well and then I become a good, successful, what I’m ought to be person. And missing someone and being sad or doing bad at something would just be weak and pointless and irrelevant (“for pussys,” I probably thought tho :D. Sorry ) (Yeah yeah, I even wrote a post here, inspired by my anthropology class text, about how it is awful how much attention we turn to “loosers”.I still agree to some point though )
Actually I think I just forgot to feel.
And that’s how I reached the point where I had to think about, where do I want to spend my summer, if I can spend it anywhere.
:D
Of course I want to be in Estonia. With my family and friends and a language I speak very well and a culture I know and understand and feel, and a weather that makes sense for me and…ooh . I love Estonia. And of course I don’t have to do a 1-moth internship there and then come back to Denmark during the online internship to “be independent and “grow up””. Whooh, it is so crazy how far from wise that approach to it all took me. As if it worked vice versa.
But I am glad I got it all figured out now. Or actually - felt out. It came when I stopped thinking.
I guess (guess, not think or “suggest” ) I just have to remember what I am and what it is I am doing. It is my life and I believe it’s better spent living it, than analyzing what’s wrong with it.
I am Kirsi and I am not good at thinking.
Never have been.
No comments:
Post a Comment