Plaisir and Jouisance: March 2016

Period 5 has started at Wageningen University in Netherlands. Unbelievable how time flies.

For a while I had this feeling like life has stopped..like besides my own thoughts, feelings and knowledge which change and develop, nothing's really happening in life. And I know it doesn't make sense because I am still living somewhere where I don't think I'll be living for the rest of my life, I am still studying, making new friends, developing, and oh so much is more to come, but..somehow it felt like whats been has already been and whats gonna happen is yet to come. All of which got me to a some kind of low point, where it seemed that even though everything in my life is fine, I couldn't be bothered with it and had absolutely no wish to do anything at all.

That's not actually true at all (that nothing is happening in life, not that I didnt want to move, i really didnt) - by the end of period 4, I finally felt like I'm starting to get this studying and exams things at WUR and I think I was really really good at my last exam - Finally finally it seemed I had studied all the right things and the questions were easy. AmazinG! (Though we'll see when I get the grade :D). Now I started with two new courses, and am about to choose the topic for my masters thesis. Also, spring is coming, and also, my horrible face rash about what I will write some other time but what got me into a horrible self-pity and thinking life is mean, has also past. Im excited about my education, about the thesis, and after period 5, there's only one more period and then its already summer (L) and then me and Miili are gonna celebrate our 25th birthday in Estonia and it will be nice and warm and home and friends and..oh..now I got carried away :D. But anyway. It's actually all cool :). And I am good at training and getting fit, that makes me happy too :).

However..being in the unmotivated times made me think a lot of what has been and what's happened in my life and the lives of the significant others over time and how adventurous, surprising, and how much fun it's all been. I was going through my old blogs, found some old photos from my laptop, some music, some poems.. And..it made me think (realize)..that even if life would be to stop now and nothing exciting would ever happen again, it would still be okay and my life would still have such a value, because so many things have already happened. It is good to remember what's been, because as long as we remember, it's value doesn't change. And in a way it doesn't even matter if something happened yesterday or 10 years ago, because it still happened. Happened to me and to my significant others, and as long as we all remember, it is still..valid..:D. and of such high value and makes life worth living.

And maybe many of us get too caught up with the fast pace of life and the focus on looking into the future and being very ambitious and personal best and..kind of living for the one day when I'll be this and this and this..and then when we get confused about what exactly will we be on that one day or if we're gonna succeed and how and what if not and so on and so on, we feel low and bad about ourselves and..loose all motivation (and get stressed and depressed - so easy ;)). But then..as in..the day when we will be this and that will not even ever come. Becuase we always look forward and want to improve and get better, until one day we are too old and the only thing next is to die, and then we realize that whoow, I was actually meant to live and remember what happened while working on all this self improvement and preparing for the day when I have it all.

It's getting really philosophic or wannabe-wise this post, but I guess I do wanna say like its been said million times (trillion probably - gotta appreciate the past ;)) that it's about the journey more than about the destination. Maybe. And maybe sometimes it's good to, instead of getting too stressed about the future, look to the past, and appreciate what's already been.

As a little side-jump - I hate motivational quotes and sentences, and I don't think they work. For example a'la "in case you forgot to remind yourself this morning - you look great and are amazing and really smart and doing well at what you do!!". I mean..okay, but what if Im not? I see how it is meant to make us not stressed and appreciate ourselves and our lives, but what if I really have been lazy and not doing anything and I actually look worse than I could and am doing only half of what I should do at my job..and then I read this and feel oh-so-fine and yo, I'm already amazing. Then I don't even think I shall improve, right? So I think they make people to not stress about their not so perfect lives, to kind of..go with it, rather than improve. And instead we shall live so that we Feeel that I look great and do well..not just read some sentence and believe it and spread it.

So I think..if we instead of reading and spreading these motivational things, would look into the past and what has already happened in our lives, what we've achieved, what we've learned, then we would see, that we actually are capable of many things, and know many things, and can easily handle (or at least just handle) whatever life brings even without the motivational quotes.

We'll anyway..that went a bit far..but with or without sharing my opinions about the motivation-things..I think, that from time to time we shall remember what we've been through..because in the end..that will be the point, right? To remember and to value.

I'd like to add some photo's of my this year's spring signs (they're not so obvious yet, but they're still here!), and of other years springs, or when spring has already been or is yet to come..of the people Ive met and moments thats been, since I moved away from Estonia. And with adding them, I will make this post the longest post of this blog, but fair enough, as it really also is blog post number one hundred. Insane. But I like these pictures and moments and people (and oh many many more), and I hope, know and love that there's many more to come!