After writing the last post I sat down in my bed and started reading because I had a headache and I felt bad and I couldn't possibly study anything if Im feeling like that and my body was tired and it probably just needed a little rest and I had to figure out what to eat for dinner that wouldnt make me feel any more sick and it was already something like almost 3pm, so maybe I needed a nap before dinner and...and so on and so on and so on.
And then I suddenly realized that it's myself that makes me all so sick. I felt lazy, big, soft and stupid, having no better entertainment than reading a book, being sick and thinking of the dinner I didnt wanna have. The thing is, if you're hungry you wanna eat, and if you're not then you dont wanna eat, so I probably wasnt just hungry enough. And when I realized how am I coping (or how was I NOT coping) with everything, I suddenly got the sickest sick ever.
For me being sad is being egoistic. I'm not like an optimist or anything, but good and interesting things just usually happen to me. And then if I wanna be sad, I take this really egoistic point of view and just exclude all the cool parts of life that are around me and just start focusing on what's wrong. I dont think of the cool new things I learned in school today AFTER I got up and went there, or what it actually is I need to do as homework, I just know I dont feel well enough to do my homework, I dont wanna get out of bed, not that I'd be thinking of WHY I'm getting out and that that's actually what I want, and I know I dont want to work out, without thinking WHY it actually is that I do work out and WHAT working out means (as in all my favorite moves and feeling fine and lookign good afterwards..).
Blökk, and my bed was kind of unmade and the kitchen was a mess - not like dirty dishes cause I hadnt been eating or making anything but like peals of grapefruit, three grapes, half eaten apple etc lying around in random places. And that really was the moment when enough is enough.
As I still had my exercising clothes on from school, I just put my running shoes on too, grabbed my bag, took my bike and biked to the gym. One thing I've probably learned from my brother: Biking fast = smiling. If you're not smiling, you're just not going fast enough. So I went REALLY fast. And smiled :). Parked my bike, took my bag inside and went out running - Oh I ran like..I dont know what. It actually didnt feel all that nice but I did it anyway. I ran uphill and downhill, fast and slow, jumped over things, balanced on a piece of wood over a lake, ran more and more and I even climbed a tree and made a cartwheel. Then I went inside and made squats until I couldnt, and then I realized I still have the exercise program we made in school in my bag and I could try it out, so I did, and not just the program but all the exercises we brainstormed before that to come up wioth the best programme. And I saw so many people I know and we worked out together and they helped me to figure out and improve exercises (I really wanted to find a way to do back exercises when you're very obese, because it started interesting be. And we found a solution :))
And then I was tired.
I was so tired that I smiled. I was physically tired and mentally fine. And then I thought of raspberry milkshake. :D. Just out of nowhere, I thought of it. And then I thought of cream cheese. And I wasnt sick at all. So I biked back home, all the way uphill, went to Fakta to buy raspberries, milk and cream cheese, came home, had a shower, made my homework, had dinner, fixed my eyebrows, polished my nails, enjoyed the kitchen I cleaned before biking to gym, made lunch for tomorrow and then now made little drawings of exercises for Friday and it's not half as easy for me to draw the exercises on a piece of paper than it is to come up with them, put them in a row or to make them myself. So I found drawing them so amusing that I laughed out loud to myself of myself :D. And I still do if I look at them drawings (probably Friday, when we're using them in school, is gonna train a lot of people's abdomen :D)
So Im fine now. I feel awful about feeling the things that made me write the last post and publish it, but I guess I need it to know with what to compare now and understand how good things actually are. And I hope Im not gonna feel like this ever again. And that if I will (and its porbably more of a 'when') I'll think of the post here and be smart enough to stop whining and do something. It's so much better to like yourself :) (even if you're too physically tired to actually feel it..:))
It's my birthday in two weeks. I can't wait :). I know what dress Im gonna wear and how my hair is gonna be :P. (I dont know yet what I'll be doing, hih :))
And here's my menu (bad, baaad example):
No breakfast, biking to school,
1 h of physical activity class
half of a bun with slice of cheese, tea
Lunch: walked around in the canteen thinking of puree soup, tuna sandwich, salad, lentils, ryebread with stuff on it. Tunasandwich one but never came to eating it.
Instead had a big bowl of muesli at home, with cacao, as I didnt have milk so I used the powder of cacao that doesnt need milk but water, because I was sleepy and hungry and then I usually want something sweet and a lot of it :/ and then surprise surprise I felt even more sick :D.
no snacks
dinner: ricecake with cream cheese, peppermint tea :)
milkshake. or actually just plain mashed raspberries with skim-milk. and it was oh so good :).
another 2 cups of peppermint tea and lemon water :).
Oh. And how coool. Yesterday I was at a shop and someone said 'hey coach.' and again. And I didnt react because why should I. And then suddenly someone pushed my head just as we do when we practice, and it was them too guys I know from the gym and who I train with the trainer Im doing my work placement with. Hih :). It is cool, isn't it? :P Sorry...
And my body can do 10 proper push ups while being on toes. Isnt that nice?
conclusion: There's a reason for feeling bad (mentally and physically and often times both), you gotta find it and deal with it (even when you feel to bad to do it).
Mmm..and just now I got an appetite for mushrooms, potatoes, porru/porrer/leek and asparagus. I've never had a dish like that. But Im sure Im gonna make it when I have time to make it. On Saturday :).
And from tomorrow on, im gonna eat on proper times again. I promise. And sleep on proper times.
Have a nice better-half of the week :)
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